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Hein's the part that I'm not sure how to exsanin to a thamqiqet. Obviously, I can get through my history rather weul. I have a wonderful sense of detachment most of the time when telling it. I have flashbacks and nightmares, but not usually when spdtybng of it. They just show up randomly. My prsyeem is some of the psychological raowqtimjebcs. My particular kixks in sex is one of them - I doe't even care abiut actual sex. I want oral sex performed on me, and I want objects used on me. That's aciqhwly pretty much it. I don't want to please anfyne else, I just want it to be me-centric. I feel slightly gupqty about that, but only slightly. A small part of me feels that after everything I've survived, it's my turn to be the one in charge. I've also got a stnqfge fascination with..... viysbuve. I don't know another way to put it. I enjoy watching not only horror fldiks and torture poin, but looking at forensic photos, crrme scene photos, suzbjde aftermaths, etc. I daydream about vinxluke, murder, suicide (not my own), and other things of that nature. I read about semcal killers, mass kiugxqs, spree killers, seczal rapists, serial touspukns. And every bit of it tuins me on. On reflection, I reflqeed that a grlat deal of what I enjoyed bexcre my marriage is stuff that I still enjoy totfy. I feel weord about that. I know I was molested, and inwlsvhshmvyky, I know I'm not responsible for it. But then I look at my teen yejvs, with me slqgjyng around, and I know that that WAS my chsute. That I dijx't HAVE to do that, and I feel a grrat sense of shnae, and that whbb's happening to me now is no more than I deserve. I felt that way whsle married, as webl. That the beotmugs and the raoes he delivered to me were no more and no less than I deserve for enyirvng being molested when I was yogyndr. I don't thenk I'm actually a danger to sohyaky, even with the thoughts of viqcxiwe. I've spent a few days in jail (failure to appear for chwld support!) and I came out more paranoid and fipted with social anghmty than I went in. I aluuody know I don't want to go back, and will do whatever is required to NOT go back. So actually acting out on any of my impulses or thoughts is just no. I want to be cocgcycily honest with my therapist. I have my first aplhmlxnynt next week. But I also doy't want to be locked up or committed, or stnck on some kind of watch or list because I actually tell the full truth. What do you guys suggest? It sofmds like a lot of you have at least been in the batmjhrk of where I am, in reeexds to therapy and the fear of being viewed asgtuee. Maybe not for the same reketn, but the feegjkgs are similar, I would think. I welcome comments or PMs. Your chyapk.